God Bless America

Ah... the United States. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Although the more I think about it, it starts to sound a little like- the land of the obese and the home of the lethargic.

The day I chose to be a marketer is the day the advertising curse was bestowed upon me. Watching TV has never been the same since then.

This should not come as news to you, and I'm just pointing out the obvious. Much of the American advertising is based on promises of grand achievements and monumental results, all of course with little to no effort.

The more I watched, the more I saw it, and the more I wanted to share it. So here's my list of my top 3 big results no effort products.

1. The Hawaii Chair

All you have to do is substitute your chair with a ridiculous rotating one that looks like it's missing a dildo. Sit back on your lazy ass and let it do the work for you (I didn't make this rhyme on purpose)!

Okay, so what's with the woman whose about to have an orgasm in her office? How anyone can be able to get this approved by their HR department is beyond me. As for the one "balancing the books" (clever, eh?), I'd be surprised if she can balance herself on this thing first. Honestly, this just doesn't look safe.

So let's just take a minute here and think about what they're saying:

"You can hardly call this work!"

Umm... maybe because it actually isn't work?

"It takes the work out of your workout!"

Wait, but I thought that was the whole point of working out...

"If you can sit, you can get fit!"

More like- if you can sit, you can get FAT

Cracking up yet? click here to watch Ellen Degeneres take the Hawaii Chair for a spin

2. Shape Ups

The oldest marketing trick in the book is to take an existing product, re-brand it, and sell it for a higher price. Does anyone remember the Skechers Platforms from middle school?

So they decided to take the same exact shoe, give it a different name, and sell it for $100. BRILLIANT!

Notice the bored face the woman on the treadmill makes in the first shot? I've never seen anyone blow and huff that many times in 3 seconds. Oh, and lady, with the speed you're going at, you'll need to be on that treadmill for a full week to burn off the Chips-Ahoy you had for breakfast this morning.

My favorite line? "get in shape without setting foot in a gym". Instead, make a fool of yourself in public by wearing a ridiculous pair of style-recycled shoes. No thanks!

3. Shake Weight

A shaking dumbbell that works out your arms just by holding it.

How stupid do you have to be to use an oxymoron like "dynamic inertia" when the average reading level of an American adult is 7th grade? Actually, never mind. They wouldn't even know what an oxymoron is.

And yes, I know my mind is in the gutter, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that the "product" was invented by a bunch of guys who wanted to subliminally teach women how to give better hand jobs. I can see how this will make its way to the top Valentine's Day gifts of 2010.

Seriously, guys, what happened to plain old hard work? Do you know anyone whose buys products like these? Do you know of any others you want to share?